hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
