I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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