I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
