I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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