Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
