I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
