This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I lost the right to judge tonight
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
