Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i am craving dick and cupcakes
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I have post one night stand depression
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize