your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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