I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
