This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
