Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Everclear isn't food dammit
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize