Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
