u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
