thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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