question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
