just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
