When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize