GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize