it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
