I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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