Say something about gay babies.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
