I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
