So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
