i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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