I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
