Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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