Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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