at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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