Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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