Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
