My friends, they love my intelligence
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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