i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
