i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
