Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
