Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
