I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
