You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
