You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
