You smell like a Billy Joel song
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
