Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
