My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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