So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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