i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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