Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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