The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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