What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
