insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
