I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
