im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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