After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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