You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
