I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
