Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
