I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
