Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How's work?
Spinning.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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