I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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