Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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