Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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