The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize