am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
