just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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