Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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