His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
