my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize