It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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